February 13, 2020
BY kef0
Comments
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here
These lines from ‘creep’ don’t leave my mind to which I guess that’s because I relate to them
so much.It’s like I’m stuck and I’ll never get that threshold ever to get out of all this and I feel like I won’t be able to make it up after the doomsday which is soon to come.
Run, run, run, run, run but how far will I go I’m no super Mario that runs with indefinite speed, I’ll stumble and soon fall and fall so hard that I’ll almost break my jaws, my head will get damned almost losing my consciousness.When I’ll try to get up I’ll look at my bruised hands super red as they get always with blood oozing out of them and after that I’ll somehow manage to walk again only to realize the road starts to melt like quick-sand, but slowly it’ll take me into it and swallow me into some other monochromatic surrounding, this time I’ll fall over brittle pieces of glasses, piercing all my body, it would be hard for me to even realize which part pains the most.When I’ll look up everything will be black and white, no colours, nothing just jet black and grayscale white. This is so eye pricking, I’ll start walking somehow again, I’ll walk for 7 miles continuously without any person near me, quenching like anything. Finally, I’ll see a river and running to it I’ll desperately try to drink only to find it its all black and that blackness is covering me, my body and now I’m pitch black and what I see right in front of me is emptiness, nothing is above me or below me just nothingness all over.
Oh, I knew its gonna happen and within a second I see galaxies with enormous beauties just in front me just as majestic they seem equal are they unrewarding. But wait for some time, shut up for a while wow! It’s all so undescribable I want to close my eyes and think about it. Suddenly again, all the anxieties hit me things I was running away are here again in front of me.
What the fuck! What the fucking fuck! We’re fucking humans in an Earth in a fucking small part of a fucking smaller galaxy we even have a black hole heavier and larger than our sun, larger than a whole galaxy, there are so many goddamn galaxies with so many other creepy similar creatures or different who cares! We won’t be able to discover that until I’m alive. Why do we have to worry about out problems there’s so much to existential crisis what should I pay more attention to, the fact that we can die by a single gamma-ray burst or any other fucking asteroid striking us at any fucking moment or to the anxieties I have about my sustainability in this society, about the fact that whether I will be able to afford my wages or not why the hell am I so average what is wrong with me?
I don’t want to try or I’m done trying? Is this me writing all of it or some of my personalities do I need medical help? This is so fucking common today that being disturbed is treated as normal so when should I see a psychiatrist now? How will I afford the fees? Suicide is a viable option? I guess so but then again how will this in the seven hells pay my parents back what they invested in me so it's useless, ditch it. I don’t even need to trip I feel high all the time I still do feel the need of intoxicating the shit out of me and again that shit doesn’t stay for long it goes away I jump, run, dance the shit out of it.
I want to do all of it but without feeling like an asshole what the hell is this life getting up with recklessness in my minds, hardly had I received a good sleep since 6 7 years what do I do now? I have tried so many things what now? I feel so stupid talking to people, I want to tell anyone who comes in front of me everything I feel but guess what no one talks to me yeah right they think I’m a jerk well, that’s what I have experienced till now no one gives a shit, they don’t care why would they fuck them actually, whatever.
Guess what you are trapped too, lurking your way out of all this by watching some random shit series or surfing shitty social media or some other high-level bullshit I don’t care actually it’s so shitty and I feel bad for the good side of me who works her ass out and then there is me the bad side who spoils all of it, everything to gloominess and shit.
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